Songs of realistic depression

It’s interesting that a person can be just completely miserably depressed and stay that way ongoingly across a period of time and, without that even changing, still at times, feel good for little stretches. No actual improvement per se: facial expression still immobile, eyes just kind of turned off, mouth perpetually expressionless, no desire to see people, (why seek more pain?), ground to a halt, doing something, anything, to not continue already doing nothing, and somehow suddenly just a slight extra degree of relaxation, and the seratonin leaks in, the melotonin, some slight ease of endorphins, and you feel good, even though still utterly depressed and just wishing you weren’t here in this moment, and not wanting to be anywhere else either; fighting being at all. And without anticipation of anything good coming. Ever! But feeling good in those moments.

97 minus 72 is 25; 25 plus 14 is 39: My Dad was 14 when World War II broke out. One thing I’ve never calculated, and didn’t think to ask. Wonder what he would have thought of that at the time. So much pain now, so much thinking, “human life is such a bummer” seven good reasons how or why, but enjoying being just that. Just your own elixir of twinging left shoulder, knot stomached, cemented emotions, enjoying that.



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