Intimacy; or its absence

I’ve lived long stretches, years of both,

times of having physical contact in my life
and times of not having physical contact
other than the oblique distant partial forms of it
(or for one lengthy stretch, a cat, best years of my life emotionally
we’d escaped together from unlivable circumstances)
so thats how I model my life
the 24/7 bond rarely replicated
But no human contact during that time
just as other periods of life
and the mind genuinely changes
We remain the same person,
but so many differences
to the way one thinks.
In the non-physical lifestyle –
occasional semi hugs with friends
or shaking hands but not so it matters
and proximity but no actual deliberate holding
once one gets used to it it just sets in as how life is
all calm, navigable waters.
The no worries lifestyle.
I’ve had numerous unimaginably wonderful human relationships
but the feeling of waking and sleeping in the void
like a tin mailbox of life
and never for some reason ‘this
Alienated life
When one can be holding and being held
and be one’s whole physical being with a human
there’s this free flowing feeling of being in the world
feeling more like part of the world itself.
It’s definitely good for the heart.
The funny twist of it is that the tenuous space between
having and not having the hugging and holding and whole being
the times when one might or might not have the holding whole being
one is actively vibrating between the two possibile worlds
both of which calm like the sea when only in one mode or the other
only fluctuating in and out of the two modes of being creates it
and there’s that sense that having hope is better than not having hope
and they say more than 99 per cent of the time there is no hope of any kind
And there really isn’t!
That’s what’s so fun about it.
Realms of non hope are vast epochs

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