Have to admit it’s soft parachute of a class difference at times.
With parents that retired as librarians, and non-violent exceptions qua that era
(ie., why this madly violent world has always so rattled me
as it was so alien to me at home)
never living in apartments always in houses,
never in shared house, always as full intact family,
stable, completely, except for witnessing my Dad’s stress
budgetting for it all, his A+ always background til he got mono doing his masters
and science and geology and math background, and history,
all went into some of the most labyrinthine budgetting schemes
for which he kept exacting statistics (car mileage different driving tactics)
detailed to the penny calculations of spending on this and that
mindboggling to see. Some other people may have at times
kept statistics in such unique handwriting
and they would be a far scattered global phenomenon
all worth knowing. Anyway it worked, despite riding sizeable debt
financing the whole move to Windsor, house car and all on debt
he was basically still in detailedly obsessive servitude to debt til i was 21
and quit school so he wouldn’t add more. I just had to liberate him
rather than return for fourth year. No plan for my own self though.

Now it’s a one way relationship to the finish line
in a kind of linear burst into nothingness
economically for the rest of living time.

My father was such a great educator of the functionality of keeping statistics
that it almost shaped my mind to be a great estimator


– economically solvent til age 75 (silverine laughter; not even a target or goal)

– economically solvent til 72: with hard work, and end over end luck
and no disasters, feasible

– economically feasible til 68 years old: the age of 72 inspires
my father died at 72, as did his closest brother the next year,
and I can see his calculate magic somehow getting me through from beyond
and even into a 110 with the unknown, and if the Leafs win the Cup when
I’m 114 it will all have worked my father’s plan, 117 and I’ll actually agree
to his theory of the keatsian ‘negative capability’ belief in thinking
bottom line I’m working full time in the present and what can you do?

But certainly a stable upbringing,
til grown up more or less. Always right borderline
to poor, so well aware from the get go of stress about money.
If you have no options but working for money you are another organism
than people who believe money will never be an issue
because of different forcefields that run through your nervous system
always not so much doubting success as seeing the horizon of how long it can run.
It causes one to maintain a certain level of caution as well as sense of doom.
End over end the battle of daily life. Right now, 55, working full time,
it can’t go wrong right now.

How long can I do this job and deal with this building I live in.
1 2 3

How long would it be best for me to have to? End of July. El nina August
a beautiful liberating heart attack arriving with swirling sunshine
back into the preternatural unknown. Always imagined at 63
but it’s a spirit, the flying dreams and then the light arive
tenure over

such a planet, quite a mean one, unusually mean, earth was
practically universally predisposed to cruelty
a tainted blood spattered hell

Try to go to any other ecosystem in space and tell of it
such a heartbreaking place

it’s like there’s perpetually powerful forces on this planet dedicated
to making it as hellish and awful and horrid as possible
you fight back just by living DSC08917


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